i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
