My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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