Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
