You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
