'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
