Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
