hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
