i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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