so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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