i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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