3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
