Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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