I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Is it because I queefed?
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
