hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
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I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
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Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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