It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
