i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
