do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
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