Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
