I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
