Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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