why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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