I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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