he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
