Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
