$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
