I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
The power of my boobs compel you
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
