I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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