no, he came in my armpit
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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