All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
