so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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