i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
