I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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