highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
