i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
