you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
