I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize