The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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