wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
