Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
