The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
