I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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