Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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