why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
