if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
did i just pee glitter
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.â€
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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