Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
