I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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