think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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