somebody snuck up and got me drunk
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
