Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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