so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I smell like Dick and happiness
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
