You can't special order awesome
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
FUCK WHALES
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
