hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
whose ass print is on the piano?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
