Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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