My liver just broke up with me...
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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