my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
