My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.