He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
