my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
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Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
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You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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