I got chris browned last night
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
