I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
