I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
